That One Time In Australia

Adventures down under

Australia 2002

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“What ya drinking mate?”

“Fosters!” I excitedly replied.

The bartender gave me a disapproving look.

"Where are you from?"

"Texas!"

"Ah, so you're a Yankee." 💀 Oh no...

Being called a Yankee is an insult of the highest order to a Texan (as with many Southerners), and I tried to politely correct her terminology to no avail. Skipping over my attempt at an American history lesson, she explained how Fosters was in fact NOT Australian for beer. Alas, another myth created in a New York advertising house. Instead, she recommended XXXX Gold to sate my thirst.

Not too bad.

We were in Darwin, Australia for seven days of rest and relaxation after completing an eight-month deployment in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. Time spent in the Middle East was dicey at times, with Iranians using gunboat diplomacy (literally) every time we transited the Straits of Hormuz, but that’s a story for another time.

Today let’s dive into my experience in the “Land Down Under.”

Not Quite the Same

My impression of Australia was shaped in the classical way for most Americans­­­­­­: Hollywood. Watching Crocodile Dundee, Mad Max, and even The Shrimp on the Barbie gives one a certain vibe about the continent before arriving. Accurate vibes? Well, no. This is Hollywood we’re talking about.

I’ll admit, there were a few characters around town that could have been Mick Dundee’s cousin.

Going to skip the history lesson on Australia, but suffice to say it is a Western nation. Only a bit different.

Take the scene described at the bar earlier. The layout was what one expects from a tavern, with the usual features of tables and bar games of darts and snooker. One thing slightly different was how the men and women were on opposite sides of the room in a segregated manner. The only exception to this was an elderly couple sitting at the bar, with the husband looking like he was about to fall asleep. My friend Brad and I took our drinks over to the pool table and soon became involved in a match with two Australians who could have stepped out of central casting. They would have looked natural at either a Rugby match or an Outback safari. I kept gravitating over to the ladies table between pool shots to conversate. Whoops.

I sensed a presence standing behind me and turned around.

“Why don’t you come over here with us,” The Australian Mountain said to me.

I could tell it really wasn’t a question.

Before I could respond one of the nice Sheila’s replied, “Aw leave em alone Bucky. You know he’s a Yankee.”

Considering the situation, I let the Yankee thing slide this time and proceeded to head over to the designated men section of the bar. When in Rome…

Brad Makes a Friend

Brad getting Irish Sunglasses from a Kangaroo was not on my bingo card.

Instead of a trek into the outback to find some wildlife, we decided to make it easy and go to a local nature park to see the assortment of animals Australia has on offer. The park had a variety of critters, from Wallabies and Koalas, to Crocodiles and Kangaroos in pens. Our small group was led by a friendly guide who told us bits of trivia about the animals during the tour. We soon came to the Kangaroo enclosure that held five Roos’ milling about who became very excited when they saw us approaching. I noticed that the habitat fence was only about 4 ½ feet high, which looked like no problem for them to jump over. When asked about this, the guide explained that these guys were raised in the park since they were very young, and did not attempt to escape.

“They like it here.”

Ok sure, we’ll go with that.

I was starting to realize this lackadaisical sense for safety was a featured trait of Australians. RIP Steve Irwin, btw. Brad and I shrugged off this personal injury lawyer dream and stepped up to feed the Kangaroos who eagerly came up to the fence for what was a routine for them. The treat of the day was carrots and we all were given one to feed the excited Roos waiting impatiently.

Everything happened in a flash. I fed my carrot to a happy looking fella that almost looked me directly in the eye. (I’m 6ft+) Next thing I notice is Brad on the ground cursing while the guide runs over apologizing for Charlie (the Roo he was feeding) getting too frisky. Apparently, Brad had held onto the carrot just a bit too long for Charlie’s liking and he had punched him in the face.

Not actually Brad, but you get the idea of the situation he found himself in.

After a short time at the park first aid station to patch up Brad, we decided to call it a day and went back to the ship. Explaining to our shipmates how he received two black eyes from a petting zoo critter was a highlight of this visit.

Swim Call

The next day we decided to try something less intense than Kangaroo UFC and contacted one of the nice ladies from the bar we had met for some sightseeing around the area. She offered to take Brad and I to a swimming hole frequented by the locals. On the drive down, she told us how it was “pretty safe” to go swimming this time of year. Wut.

“The Freshies ought to be cleared out due to the dry weather.” She cheerfully explained.

‘Freshies, we learned was slang for the Australian freshwater Crocodile. Having seen a few at the nature park the day before, this was somewhat of a relief to learn that they “shouldn’t” be joining us for this outing. We arrived at the location and it appeared normal, with a large group of people already in the water. The swimming area was a large pool where the river waterfalled into before snaking off into the Outback. I got into the water and swam over to an outcropping of rocks next to the waterfall and grabbed onto them to hold myself above water. Then something moved along my hands. I glanced over and it looked like hundreds of tiny spiders were crawling all over the rocks.

I Micheal Phelped it over to our Australian friend and asked what the hell they were. “Water spiders. Don’t worry about them mate, they don’t bite.”

Freshies? Water Spiders? Holy hell lady, is there anything else we should know about this place? “Stay away from that area over there,” she said as she pointed across the pool to a shaded area of the water. “That’s where the snakes like to gather.”

Good God.

Pro tip: If ever invited to go swimming in the Australian Outback, ask LOTS of questions beforehand.

Hello Mr. ‘Freshie.

Brad Gets Revenge

One of the things I enjoyed about visiting different countries was the chance to try local dishes not available in America. We found a restaurant that advertised authentic Australian cuisine and decided to try it out.

As soon as we were seated and given menus a smile crept across Brad’ black-eyed face. “They have Kangaroo steaks.”

While a somewhat morbid display of glee at the thought of having a bite of Charlie’s cousin, I understood his mindset, especially after the incident at the nature park. I decided to try a steak as well, and it had the gamey taste of wildlife that reminded me of venison. We also had an appetizer of something called ‘Croc Bites’ that had the consistency of fried chicken.

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Traveling the world and seeing new sights and countries that most Americans only view from their living rooms on TV is something I miss about my military career. Australia is in my top three places to visit and is one of countries I would go back to if given the opportunity.

If there is a next time, I don’t think I’ll go swimming.

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